


Loki vs Earth

by MinnieRose



Category: Loki: Agent of Asgard, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Fluff and Humor, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:34:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23352553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinnieRose/pseuds/MinnieRose
Summary: I adore the Loki vs Earth series by Lowkey_Assgard. I hope I do it justice.Loki learns how to care for a baby.
Relationships: Loki/Baby
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	Loki vs Earth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lowkey_Assgard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lowkey_Assgard/gifts).



> In which Loki tries to understand, "Why Me?"

Loki decided that he hated Midgard. Forced to serve his sentence here, always at the beck and call of the Avengers, the humans were absolutely ridiculous. 'And everyone loves Thor! What do they know anyway? Wearing their damn cargo shorts, carrying their stupid umbrellas and doing their mindless chores. Idiots. Hope thy all sit on a cactus.'

Since Loki had been so grumpy, Thor talked to Stark about letting Loki have a one week vacation. It was voted upon by all of the Avengers who unanimously agreed. They decided to send Loki to a place where he could not get into mischief or bother anyone.

Stark owned several small islands in the pacific, one being furnished with a vacation home, with no one else living there. He monitored it on his satellite for trespassers, being able to see everything on the small island. Perfect.

When Loki heard that he could spend a week on an uninhabited island, all by himself, he was ecstatic. He packed his bags and was off in Stark's helicopter.

Making himself at home, Loki chose a room in the mansion, changed into his swim trunks, and headed down to the beach.

FREE AT LAST! Setting up a large beach umbrella, which he decided was acceptable, and a sturdy lounge folding chair, Loki took a sip of his pina colada in a cocoanut, settled into the lounge chair, and basked reverently in the peace and quiet.

The warm sun, combined with the cool breeze, and the lull of the ocean waves put Loki into a restful sleep. That is, until he dreamed about his fingers getting stuck in that damn Chinese finger trap. 'Thor, that horse's ass. I hope he gets it stuck on his..' Loki thought he heard someone. There it was again.

Looking in the direction of the noise, Loki saw a large life raft that must have drifted ashore while he was napping, but it was empty. He heard it again, crying. A baby crying. This must be a joke. Of course, as if the humans had nothing better to do then to prank him on his vacation.

Looking into the life raft, Loki could not believe his eyes. There, looking up at him, was the littlest human he'd ever seen.

A baby, wearing a pink dress, eyes and cheeks red from crying, holding an empty baby bottle. Loki stood staring a moment, wondering who? how? why would "it" be left alone, in a raft, on the ocean? Frowning, Loki turned to head back to the mansion and call Stark, or maybe Thor. One of them could deal with this..*SCREECH* The child was screeching at the top of her lungs.

Cringing, Loki turned back to the child. "It will be alright", he said in a matter of fact tone, "I will get help", he said, rolling his eyes, as the small child crawled over to the edge of the raft, lifting her chubby little arms up to him. "Mamma", she cried.

'Why me?' he thought. Loki picked the baby up, and set her on the sand. "Come along, baby human", he sighed as he turned towards the mansion. *SCREECH* "Mamma mamma", loosing patience, Loki turned to the child, "I am not your mother, nor am I human", he spat.

The tiny human's mouth turned down into a sad frown, and she began to cry, and then sob, as she reared back into the sand. Some annoying feeling, compassion, tugged at Loki's heart, and so he picked the child up, holding her straight out away from himself.

Once inside, Loki took the baby straight to the en suite. His delicate sense of smell had been assaulted, and he could not allow a helpless child to remain in such a state. He discarded her soiled dress and diaper into a garbage bag, and teleported it to Thor's apartment. 'Serves him right for that damn Chinese finger torture', Loki thought with a smile.

Deciding that the tub was too big, he filled the sink and carefully sat the baby in the warm water. She cooed happily, and splashed water all over him as he washed her clean. Turning around to grab a towel, he slipped in the water, "whoa", he bellowed as his feet went out from under him, arms went up in the air, and he landed flat on his back. 'Ouch.'

Just as he opened his eyes, he heard a loud splash, and water fell down into his face, and he gurgled, "why me?"

Wrapping the small child in a towel, Loki wondered what to do next. Drying her off, he laid her on the bed in the room he had chosen. An idea came to him. He took one of his undershirts, using magic, and he made it smaller. No problem.

Putting the shirt/dress on her, he picked her up, holding her to him with one arm, 'oh no'. She wet through her new dress, down his arm, on to his shirt and shorts. "Why me?" Wanting to scold the child, he saw that look, as she started crying again.

Wanting to cry himself, Loki learned a very important lesson. ALWAYS put the diaper on first.

Loki remembered seeing a nursery, not paying attention before, but now he found everything he needed. Diapers, baby clothes, powder, everything and more. Knowing that he would certainly deny any of this, Loki looked through the little girl dresses, frilly tops and panties, tights and accessories.

Loki smiled at the baby girl, thinking how cute she looked. She was dressed in a frilly, yellow dress, with white lace around the edges and a blue ribbon in front, with a green and yellow ribbon in her curly black hair, and white, lacy socks. He was proud of himself. 'Let's see Thor do that", he thought.

Knowing this child was hungry, Loki found jars of baby food in the main kitchen. He held the sweet little thing on his knee as he fed her. She had been very hungry, he fed her roast beef, peas and bananas until she was full.

Looking at her messy little dress, and his shirt, Loki palmed his face, "why me?" he mumbled. But he had learned another valuable lesson. ALWAYS USE TWO BIBS! One on the child and one on yourself.

Finding baby bottles, Loki filled one with water, and sat down in a rocking chair with the child. Suckling for all of about 30 seconds, she fell asleep. Afraid of her falling off the couch, he laid her on a soft rug, and went to get something to eat.

"By the Norns! There were all kinds of everything in the freezer! Loki chose two T-bone steaks, broccoil, strawberries and pie. He happily thawed out and prepared the food, set the table, and enjoyed his supper. It was wonderful. No small talk or rude waiters. And he admired the view of the ocean from the dining room, such a brilliant view compared to what he was used to.

After cleaning up, Loki went to check on the baby. She wasn't there where he had left her. Surely the little human couldn't go far. Loki searched the entire living room, under and behind every chair, in every corner, he looked in the surrounding rooms, came back and searched under all of the cushions, inside of the fireplace, behind the curtains, "WHY ME!" he screamed.

"Here baby", he called, "where are you baby?" He looked all over the mansion, in the kitchen, every room where the doors were open, and then every room where they weren't. Loki was frantic, calling out for the baby, searching up stairs, on each of the five floors.

"Oh no, I've lost the little human, that sweet little baby girl", ready to cry, defeated, Loki ambled back to the living room where he had left her. Looking at the soft rug, Loki fainted. There she was, curled up asleep. Another crucial lesson, GET A PLAYPEN or at least a leash!

The next six days were wonderful. Loki and his baby human both had fun together. He fed her baby food when he ate his meals, took her to the beach, dressed her in these cute little girl clothes, and they bonded. They were happy. Loki was very proud of himself being such an expert on human baby care. 

On the 7th day, the helicopter arrived to pick him up. Stark got out to meet Loki. 

Explaining everything to Stark, Loki announced, "we have bonded and I am not giving her up, I do not care what anyone says, she is my family now and I am keeping her, I.." Tony Stark held up his hand. "Whoa, slow down Frosty. Who said anything about taking her from you?" Loki looked confused.

"The child's family was killed when their ship was hijacked at sea. After watching you, on the the second day, I arranged for the adoption. You'll make her a wonderful father. By the way, she never left the living room", Tony said as he strolled back to the helicopter.


End file.
